I hate menopause...

Ok, this is not going to be a happy little blog. I'm sorry I can't be Sally Sunshine every single day. I know it's hard to believe. At age 54, I am in the dregs of menopause and I really hate it.

1. Hot flashes

I've been having hot flashes for 10 years now. TEN. I remember when they started. I was working with a lot of hormonal women who had breast cancer. I thought I was having sympathetic hot flashes. They continued. TEN years. Our bedroom ceiling fan has been running on high for 10 years. One solution...wear layers. I have a nice drawer full of tank tops. That's the most decent thing you can get down to when taking the layers off.

2. Sleepless nights

related to hot flashes and night sweats...mostly worse in the last few years. Solution: sleep in layers, throw covers off and prepare to pull them back on when you wake freezing an hour later.

Benadryl doesn't help, unless you like to wake up in a fog. Melatonon helps a little, sometimes.

3. Facial hair

OK, I know this might be TMI, but what's all this fur all over my face??? And I'm not going to mention the whiskers. I have light colored hair, really, so where did this dark mustache come from? Please, please promise me that if I am ever in a coma, someone will come to the hospital with tweezers.

4. Wrinkles

One morning I woke up and I have my Mother's neck. How did that happen? My mom does NOT have wrinkles on her face. She has nice smooth skin at age 92. By the time I am her age, I'll need a sling for my cheeks and eyelids. And a chicken neck.

5. Mood swings

Guess what kind of mood I'm in right now. It's like the Texas weather, just wait a minute and see what shows up. Nothing more needs to be said.

6. Weight gain

I used to see those women who were "thick in the middle"...now that's me. No waist. I can no longer lose the weight like I used to. I have no metabolism. None. Now my stories revolve around saying "back in the olden days, when I was skinny..."

7. OK I'm going to stop before I tell you about dry skin issues. I'm not just talking about places you can see. I would have made this number one, but it might have scared you off before now.

I've been taking hormone replacement therapy for years. I recently tried to wean down to half the dose. Everything got worse, so I'm back on my full dose. And wishing I could increase. And yes I've tried that estrogen cream, what a mess.

So fair warning, if I have a crazy look...

So that explains Shirley Maclaine's character in "Steel Magnolias"....remember her? She wore her mink coat with her overalls and funny hats (layers I tell ya) AND she said whatever she thought. I'm turning into Ouiser Boudreaux: "I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!"

I think I'd rather be Clairee.

Or Truvy.